Copyright © 1998-
by William J. McClelland
Long before relationship coaching was invented, people have been in pairs. Around the world, Millions of people look for the “perfect match” to share their life, yet the divorce rate is at 40 to 50% and rising. Because people change, their relationships must change with them to keep the feeling of closeness and friendship. At McClelland Institute for Strategic Intervention, we know how to build good relationships that bond people for life. We Would love to shear this information with you.
The success of marriage comes not in finding the “Right Person”, but in being the “Right Person”. What does that mean? That means the ability to adjust and to rediscover the person you married, to be aware that this constantly evolving or declining. (whichever the case may be). In addition, to connection to the person that you have become as well.
If you have a friend or family member who are divorced, or maybe you are looking down the barrow of your second or third divorce, it that is the case you more than understand the toll that is paid for the decisions of going your separate ways. Separation in the eyes of our society is a failure grade we receive on one of the biggest tests in life.
“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated”. – Confucius
The real problem is that the reasons people separate or divorce do not just up and disappear after the divorce is final. In fact, there is a chance they will give birth to more problems. If you are not happy with your relationship and think separation will make you happier, think again. Chances are you have attributed the failure of the relationship to your spouse, if that were true one of you were irrelevant to the relation and simply did not exist.
The first mistake couples make is: Trying to change their partner instead of working on themselves, it seemed that walking away from the relationship is a solution to the constant uneasiness felt in the relationship. In fact, the thought of walking away gets easier and easier the more one was to try to change the other person and that person will not budge. “The old; do what I tell you or I will punish you syndrome”
To save your relationship, the first step is to have realistic, reasonable expectations -
In our Science of Happiness Relationship Coaching program, we help you align your expectations. We believe that any relationship requires alignments of values, needs and desire. Usually, because the couple is experiencing pain in the relationship, they find it hard to negotiate expectation and our very clear process makes it easy for them to do it without giving up who they are and their desires.
“We will always tend to fulfill our own expectation of ourselves”. -
anarriagbe better if the husbanltimat that person will not budgesimply did not exsistvaving and growing.Another reason for separation is the couple’s short memory. For some reason, the same loving couple that vowed to love and to cherish “in sickness and in health” have lost the enthusiasm somewhere between the shopping, cleaning, going to work and raising kids. When couples in our coaching are asked about the most exciting days of their life, they look at us with a blank expression, as if we were speaking another language. I have even had one women say: “Excitement!! what’s that?”
Most of the time they are so busy talking about the problems, they forget the blissful moments. In our Science of Happiness Relationship Coaching program, we help couples save their relationship, by giving them constant reminders of their promises to each other. In addition to teaching them how to keep working on their relationship so that the joyful memory of their relationship will not fade with the stacks of bills, suspicion and comparing their relationship with the one they’ve seen on television or just plain old working hard.
“We're in a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit”. -
Our modern society has indeed become a disposable society. We change jobs far too often, throw things away far too soon and move houses more than in the past, so changing relationships seems to many people like a modern trend. Partners consider separation and divorce as a way of getting out of a boring routine. Living together with the same boring person day in, day out and desperately in need of at least some excitement.
The challenge is when you leave a relationship you have to take you with you, if you have not dealt with yourself, the same “boring life” will persist.
In our science of happiness relationship Coaching program, we take steps to ensure you do what is necessary, for the changes you want in your life in areas that minimize the stress. We help ensure you fuel your relationship with excitement, romantic dates and surprises. leave separation as a last resort. The truth is that divorce has an ugly side to it and is much easy to do, than to do what it takes to gain the courage to salvage it.
Divorce utterly destroys what has taken years to nurture, far too often the only people who benefit from it are greedy lawyers, who use every trick in the book to strip “the other side” of their assets, until no trace of the person left and call in fair. In some cases, the person is left homeless and destitute suffering for psychological and emotional damage that may never be rectified. Not to mention the damage and toll the divorce takes on children no matter how well adjusted they seem.
“A father is a person who's around, participating in a child's life. He's a teacher who helps to guide and shape and mold that young person, someone for that young person to talk to, to share with, their ups and their downs, their fears and their concerns”. -
Relationships are the key to so many things: finding and keeping your soul mate, finding and keeping your job, getting along with your family, closing deals, enjoying parties and social life and so on. How in the world do we balance our physical, mental and spiritual well-
Look at any biography of a successful leader in society or in business and you’ll see the power of knowing how to handle people. Think of the “nice” people around you and you’ll recognize how much easier their life is because of other people like them. If you’re looking for that special person in your life, surely you’ll appreciate these people who seem to know how to say “the right thing” or the ones who seem to have “the perfect relationship”. Life coaching is a profound experience. Being coached with your partner strengthens your relationship, because you learn to accept yourself and your partner at the same time, realizing how much you’re the same. Relationship coaching is a future-
What I’ve Learned:
I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to the individual parties involved. I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don’t know how to show it. I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you all they can. I’ve also learned that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
What Is Relationship Coaching?
Relationship Coaching is like a professional friendship. Your coach will get to know you both, will listen to what you have to say, will accept you, just the way you are, and will care about your relationship as much as you will. Your coach will help you find where your communication may be stuck, where you may be going in different directions, and show you ways to restore the harmony. Your coach will encourage you and keep in touch with you for as long as you want to be coached.
Your coach will also teach each of you some powerful and time-
To the best knowledge, no couple ever consulted ever went to a relationship university. There when it’s time to draw on what they have learn about relationships in most cases the only model they have is the one of failed marriages and nasty divorce. In short; they fail. Most people put in enormous amount of effort to change their unhappy relationships, with the skills they have. However, in most cases those skills (or the lack there of) is what brought them to the point of exasperation in the first place.
The sad part is that constant failure attempts to change, places people in a position of giving up on relationships and sometime on a fulfilling life. Many people start blaming, compromising and negotiating with circumstances that high jacked their happiness. They just give up and live an unhappy, unfulfilled relationship where all they want is a way out. Most of them are missing the right emotional intelligence to recognize, manage and support feelings. According to research, having emotional intelligence means having 4 skills:
This means correctly answering the question “What am I really feeling now?” This may not be so simple, because most people react to things that are not present, like making a big deal about something, because your parents always used to make a big deal about it. In the Science of Happiness Relationship Coaching program, we believe that a good relationship starts with yourself. If you bring two happy people into a relationship, you can guarantee they will have a happy relationship. Our relationship coaching program covers the key areas in emotional focus: beliefs, values and needs.
This means changing your emotional state at will. Many people think this is done automatically. You either can or can’t control your feelings and though some people can do it easily, managing feeling is a learned skill. At McClelland Institute for Strategic Intervention we are experts in “Emotional Intelligence” and will teach you the basic skills of emotional control: rules, anchoring and responsibility.
This means understanding what other people are really feeling and why they say or do what they do. Empathy was found to be a biological function that was either stimulated or suppressed during childhood and highly connected to communication styles, love languages and feelings of worth or lack of worth. In the Science of Happiness Relationship Coaching program, with more than 15 years of experience in communication styles, we help all our clients learn the basics of communication. Our sessions are highly practical, effective and supports a positive recognition of feelings in others.
Helping and supporting others to manage their own feelings can contribute to a bond in any relationship. If you learn what your partner wants to achieve, feel and experience, you will be in a better position of understanding the importance of acquiring the tools necessary to motivate him or her to get what she or he wants.
In the Science of Happiness Relationship Coaching program, we teach rapport building, including body language, tone control. We focus on beliefs, needs and acceptance which are essential elements of motivation. Our Science of Happiness Relationship Coaching program was written by the creator of the “The Happiness Journey Programs”, Virginia Pothier and Bob S. Pothier who are experts in emotional intelligence and have 25 years of experience. In this program, clients are introduced to many research based techniques about relationships, the art of motivation, mind power, the science of human behavior, meditation, psychology and communication. The Science of Happiness Advisory Board is a collection of internationally recognized scientists whose research forms the foundation of “The Happiness Journey”, and whose guidance has influenced the growth of our program:
Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., is Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Riverside, where she teaches courses in social and positive psychology. Her teaching and mentoring of students have been recognized with the Faculty of the Year Award. Her book The How of Happiness has achieved global success, having been translated and published in 21 countries
Todd Kashdan, Ph.D., is Professor of Psychology at George Mason University. He has published over 100 articles and received the 2010 Distinguished Faculty Member of the Year award. His research focuses on sustaining happiness, developing strengths, mindfulness, and relationships. Todd is the author of the bestseller Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life.
Corey Keyes, Ph.D., is Professor of Sociology at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia. His research centers on illuminating the “two continua” model of health and illness, showing how the absence of mental illness does not equal mental health. His research is being used by the American, Canadian, and Northern Ireland governments.
Ken Sheldon, Ph.D., is Professor of Psychology at the University of Missouri, Columbia. His research focus is on goals, motivation, and psychological well-
The relationship coaching program also uses NLP (Neuro-
When taking The Science of Happiness relationship coaching program, you learn assessment tools to find where you are in the relationship and where you are heading. You will identify the source of your beliefs, study their impact on your life and relationship, examine their validity and eliminate them if you think they are “unhealthy” or not useful.
You will learn how to choose new beliefs that promote success, abundance, relationships, support, love, good communication and happiness. The Science of Happiness relationship coaching program will help you find strengths from within and teach you how to stay strong and focused even if life is not happening exactly the way you wanted by your own standards.
This is especially important in relationship coaching, as following your partners’ stresses over the years is probably what brought the trouble in your relationship. In this program you will learn alignment tools.
You will learn the difference between compromising and alignment. You will learn why compromising is the beginning of a breakup, while alignment is the foundation of a good relationship. A relationship is a dance that requires both to be tuned to each other, and we are experts in tuning. Relationship coaching will show you how to be happy in a relationship again.
The Science of Happiness Relationship Coaching program is a here and now oriented program. We don’t focus on the past, we do not look for labels, we don’t search for people or circumstances to blame for the unhappiness in relationships. Instead we assess the situation, find the dream and desires of everyone involved and plan the journey and start moving forward. We say that this course is like a driving course. If you drive looking backwards, you will have lots of accidents, if you look forward most of the time and from time to time look at the rear mirror, or look backwards when overtaking, you are more likely to get to your destination safely.
Every relationship has experienced pain in the past, but we can still have lots in common and lots of life to look forward to. We just need to (in fact,) look forward. We learn at every session how to handle obstacles and setbacks, how to establish positive thinking and how to accept, communicate better, appreciate, support and motivate ourselves and our partner while enjoying the journey on the way. The past, (in this relationship coaching program) has no power to determine our future.
Relationship coaching is not for everyone as it is suitable only for couples that want to achieve something and are able look forward. It is not a place for a bitching session. We say that a persons emotional state can be in one of two places. It can be in the Discovery zone or Recovery zone. If you are in discovery, you are aware of what happened to you in the past and are willing to clear the space to the new you. If you are in recovery zone discovery it virtually impossible. If you are blaming and angry and you may need a help from a psychologist.
For a person in recovery, relationship coaching may seem too demanding as the place they are in is part of their identity and they are not ready to let it go. It is important for each person considering using our or someone else life coaching program to examine their emotional state before taking the relationship coaching program.
The life coach’s job is to help the client constantly look and move forward, if someone is not ready to move forward, this will only increase the frustration. If you are looking for a validation for your desire to separate, you will not benefit from using our Science of Happiness Relationship Coaching program. A lawyer may be a better choice.
In The Science of Happiness Relationship Coaching program, you will be asked to fill out a downloadable assessment form that serves three purposes.
Integration is an essential ingredient for the success in this program. Have you ever been to a seminar, read a book or learned something that was very exciting, but after a week, it faded?
We structure our relationship coaching program for full integration of what you learn back into your everyday life, so that it never fades. How do we do it? During every session, you will apply your new knowledge to yourself and to your partner. You will face the hard questions and answer them. You will document your success in a journal and you will develop a new, empowering routine. Most importantly, you will choose some challenging actions to take in-
There are two main formats for relationship coaching, one is a free flow session when you discuss with your life coach the topics that needs adjusting. At the end of this session you will be able to come up with a list of action steps that will help you move forward. The second format is a written program that you can use during the session, after the session and even years after. We have made a decision to go with the second format as we believe that reinforcement and the ability to go back and reflect on what happened in the session and follow up activities are the best way to make sure you are not back into old thoughts and habits.
We also found that teaching our clients the coaching techniques contributes to their success because they adopt a life coaching mentality and can become their own life coaches long after they finish coaching with us. We have added into this relationship coaching program activities that encourages our clients to coach the people around them.
We believe this is one of the reasons why our program is very successful. As a couple, you will want to be able to communicate effectively and “do the right thing” by each other. Once you’ve mastered the above skills, all you need to do is apply them. This is where our relationship coaching program really shines, because the real change in coaching happens in-
Many coaching practices require the clients’ commitment for the full program. We believe this philosophy is against our values and against what relationship coaching is all about (or any of our coaching for that matter). It is meant to give you a sense of control over your life. If you keep going to see your life coach because you have paid and you are only using up your money, then you are not in control. Relationship caching cannot be like a membership to a gym that you pay ahead to force yourself to go. This is why we have a pay as you go philosophy. You have a session, you pay for it at the end of the session and you have the freedom to finish your relationship coaching program whenever you want.
Our goal is to make sure you finish your relationship coaching program as soon as possible. We think that change can happen fast and many people just don’t’ know how to do it on their own. Being in constant therapy only increases the “something is wrong with me” mindset and it only brings sadness, frustration and misery.
We encourage our clients to finish their program as soon as possible and celebrate and enjoy their success. If you wish, your coach will stay in contact with you long after you finish your relationship coaching program.